Friday, June 22, 2012

I took a road trip back home to South Dakota this past weekend. It was so nice to get away from the monotony of life's responsibilities. I guess that's why they call it a vacation. I saw lots of people that I haven't seen in awhile. One of the first questions I usually got was, "Do you have pictures of your kids?" That's when I realized, I really don't have many pictures of them on my phone. And, I mean, who keeps pictures in their wallet anymore (besides my mother)?

So guess what I did today...

*NOTICE: The ratio of pictures has been heavily weighted these days toward my 8 year old camera-loving daughter since my 20 year old son has an aversion to having his picture taken, not to mention, he is not as accessible as I would always like him to be!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Keepin it real.

I'm free!
Why don't I blog more? I ask myself this all the time. I even have friends ask me this question. And I always come up with the same answer...because I'm so busy. I have so many other things going on in my life and blogging, for me, takes a lot of effort and time. Yea, okay. Well, I am slowly coming to the conclusion this is not the real reason (although it really does take a lot of time and effort for me). It's not like I have been lying on purpose, though. It's more like a subconscious thing. I'm figuring out that I don't blog or do more of the other things that I love doing because I'm a perfectionist. And if what I'm attempting to do isn't just right or doesn't meet my high expectations, I don't do it. Like an all or nothing kinda deal. I think that also fits into the category of being a black and white thinker. I do this with my marriage, my diet, my parenting, my workout regimen and many other things. I also do that really ugly, poisonous thing called "comparing". I look at other people's blogs and feel like a failure or inadequate because mine doesn't look like theirs, but I reaaaaallly want it to! What I'm forgetting is how much time and effort (did I mention time?) went into those blogs to get them to look like they do. I look at other women's bodies and long for mine to look like that, but I forget how much effort and attention it took to look like that. Take today for example. I had written down in my planner that I would workout at they gym. I joined the gym about a month ago and I LOVE going. It makes me feel good about myself. But lately, I've been gaining back some excess weight I lost last month while doing my 10-day detox and I feel fat and frumpy and so I don't want to go to the gym and workout next to my friends that look amazing because they faithfully go 3-5 times a week. Sheesh! How backwards thinking is this?! 

As I sit here trying to figure out what the hell heck I want to do with my life and what direction I want to take next, I am reminded of all the opportunities that have come my way but I have been too scared to take them because I feel inadequate, not good enough. I think the Lord is showing me to stop this stinkin' thinkin'. It's time to accept and realize my worth because thinking any other way is holding me back. This is exactly what it means to believe the lies of the enemy. He wants us to think we are not worth a hill of beans and that we don't have what it takes so that we will stay stuck and not use our God-given talents and not walk in who we were created to be. I say "No more!" It's time to start believing who God says I am and start living out my true, authentic self.

And it's time to let go of the perfectionism. That's what grace is all about and God has been soooo gracious to me. I don't have to get it "right" every time. Really I don't.

So what is the point of me being crazy vulnerable enough to write such a post like this? My hope is that it helps me to start living fearlessly. To not be afraid to go after what my heart is desiring and what my passions are. And to receive encouragement when needed. And maybe, just maybe, to receive a bit of accountability for when I retreat back into my shell due to fear and anxiety and not feeling worthy or good enough.

I will end with this beautiful quote by Marrianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

Photo by rosiehardy