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| I'm free! |
Why don't I blog more? I ask myself
this all the time. I even have friends ask me this question. And I
always come up with the same answer...because I'm so busy. I have so
many other things going on in my life and blogging, for me, takes a lot
of effort and time. Yea, okay. Well, I am slowly coming to the
conclusion this is not the real reason (although it really does take a
lot of time and effort for me). It's not like I have been lying on
purpose, though. It's more like a subconscious thing. I'm figuring out
that I don't blog or do more of the other things that I love doing
because I'm a perfectionist. And if what I'm attempting to do isn't just
right or doesn't meet my
high expectations, I don't do
it. Like an all or nothing kinda deal. I think that also fits into the
category of being a black and white thinker. I do this with my marriage,
my diet, my parenting, my workout regimen and many other things. I also
do that really ugly, poisonous thing called "comparing". I look at
other people's blogs and feel like a failure or inadequate because mine
doesn't look like theirs, but I reaaaaallly want it to! What I'm
forgetting is how much time and effort (did I mention time?) went into
those blogs to get them to look like they do. I look at other women's
bodies and long for mine to look like that, but I forget how much effort
and attention it took to look like that. Take today for example. I had
written down in my planner that I would workout at they gym. I joined
the gym about a month ago and I LOVE going. It makes me feel good about
myself. But lately, I've been gaining back some excess weight I lost
last month while doing my 10-day detox and I feel fat and frumpy and so I
don't want to go to the gym and workout next to my friends that look
amazing because they faithfully go 3-5 times a week. Sheesh! How
backwards thinking is this?!
As I sit here trying to figure out what the
hell heck
I want to do with my life and what direction I want to take next, I am
reminded of all the opportunities that have come my way but I have been
too scared to take them because I feel inadequate, not good enough. I
think the Lord is showing me to stop this stinkin' thinkin'. It's time
to accept and realize my worth because thinking any other way is holding
me back. This is exactly what it means to believe the lies of the
enemy. He wants us to think we are not worth a hill of beans and that we
don't have what it takes so that we will stay stuck and not use our
God-given talents and not walk in who we were created to be. I say "No
more!" It's time to start believing who God says I am and start living
out my true, authentic self.
And it's time to let go of
the perfectionism. That's what grace is all about and God has been
soooo gracious to me. I don't have to get it "right" every time. Really I
don't.
So what is the point of me being
crazy
vulnerable enough to write such a post like this? My hope is that it
helps me to start living fearlessly. To not be afraid to go after what
my heart is desiring and what my passions are. And to receive
encouragement when needed. And maybe, just maybe, to receive a bit of
accountability for when I retreat back into my shell due to fear and
anxiety and not feeling worthy or good enough.
I will end with this beautiful quote by Marrianne Williamson:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
Photo by
rosiehardy
